My name is ytzk and I'm a misanthrope. Some of my best friends are humans, BUT...

At first it was just intolerance of fools and an aesthetic distaste for crowds and pop culture but after a while it has become a deep and abiding loathing of humanity.

Assuming, as an intellectual exercise, that I were about to report back to my home planet and recommend extermination, before the shit spread past Pluto, could anyone offer a reason to spare humanity?

Music and art? Pff, pale reflections of nature inspired by the economic necessity of syphilitic dropouts. Puppies and kittens? Their existence and cuteness is not contigent upon humans. The human ability to empathise? Hah! Only notable due to its contrast to their persistent inclination to discriminate and inherent jingoism, and largely employed as a device to deceive and manipulate. The drive towards self-improvement and the mythological aspirations to divinity? Bah, humbug, more like pandemic and psychotic delusions of grandeur. Maths and science? Again, a pale reflection of nature and used chiefly as a more efficient way of shitting on their neighbours and smiting their enemies, ie, anyone or anything competing for the same resources.

No, so sorry, my friends. My report to our alien overlords will be: Humanity, too stupid to survive and too smart to die without a horrible mess. One star.

The question in the poll is confusing. Should I rate humans or the super mutant master race?

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Nothing can stop the Smooze.

I'd forgotten about you, Muro. I assumed too much. Humans, please. We wouldn't want to skew the results.

"No! I must kill the idiots" he shouted
The radio said "No, ytzk. You are the idiots"
And then ytzk was a retard.


Also, I didn't read poll carefully and thought that stars meant to rate your misanthropy.
One more reason to hate humanity for you, I'd guess.

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For all of our shortcomings as a species, I like many human individuals a lot. Large groups of people tend to do crazy shit when given the right (or wrong) carrot, but when you break these groups down to individuals you soon realize that many if not most of them really are just amiable commonfolk who simply want to be happy and live their life in peace. Humans aren't a scourge on the planet, we're the natural outcome of the extremely advanced chemical process that goes on here. I see no reason for us to get exterminated. Taught a lesson? Perhaps. But not erased.

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Taught a lesson? There'd have to be an alien race more intelligent and powerful than us to do that, and who says they don't find us disgusting enough to kill?

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The existence of cute puppies and kittens is, indeed, contingent on human existence, since we both selectively breeded them and enable them to thrive.

Checkmate.

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Without human interference and a natural life cycle, dogs and cats would quickly resume their feral state and become wild animals once more. Their ancestors most likely decided to hang around us first - they're not like ferrets in that there is a definite single closest ancestor that's an actual animal.

Also, breeded is normally not used, ever.

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THE DAY I AM CORRECTED BY AN INSTITUTIONALLY INSA-

Ahem. You're right. We selectively bred them.

I feel like the dogs and cats would all just die without human interference, though. Everything would eat them, and they couldn't really fend for themselves.

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... and that's what makes humanity awesome enough to warrant five stars; where other species have no choice but to adapt to harsh realities imposed by ecosystems, we make everything else adapt to us.

Of course, Grossen would comment on the unsustainability of this approach and remind us all of the impending water crisis. Our handling of that will certainly merit no more than one star, as the impulse of any water-rich nation would be to wall in the borders and greet the thirsting hordes with mechanically dispensed lead poisoning.

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Lacy: How did I fall in love with such a jerk like him? Why can't I ever meet a nice man?
Tom: You've met lots of nice men, Lacy. I'm a nice man. The biggest lie all of you women tell yourselves is that you like nice men, when, in fact, we bore you silly.
The trouble is, you tell this lie out loud and so damned often that some of us more gullible types hear it growing up and work hard to become nice men.
Well, from all the nice men in the world, Lacy, fuck you very much.

Ethical egoism is the truth. Another reason to harbour disdain for humanity.

Oh, and the climate is failing due to the oil industry. But nobody will stop what they're doing, as they don't perceive climate change as a real enough threat to stop rolling around on their fat piles of money.

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Erm, wild dogs and feral cats thrive, and their puppies and kittens are still cute even without human observers.

Also, butterflies and rainbows don't need humans either.

By the way, Dark Elf, every damn species, even proteons and viruses, change their environment to suit themselves. In terms of scale, survival and darwinian success, humanity is just a flash in the pan or, more accurately, a temporary stain in the petrie dish. Your vaunted ability to deforest and build cities is a 500 000 000 year old termite trick, your capacity to domesticate herds and plant crops is a 200 000 000 year old ant trick, and your oh so special technique of poisoning the entire atmosphere was invented by archeobacteria 3 000 000 000 years ago.

We will most likely teach ourselves that lesson in time.

The world will not end in this enviromental crisis. It will change dramatically, but the world will move on just as it always has. Perhaps a cataclysm such as that could be the lesson we're all waiting for.

We're quite a young species to wield such mental capabilities as we do. Perhaps humanity will learn not to do crazy shit in the future.

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Yeah that's why earthquakes, storms and droughts still succeed at making people fear nature disasters, because humans totally not exposed to harsh realities of ecosystems.
Also, cities are ecosystems too. It's just that wild species cannot adapt to fact that for survival you don't need to eat every other species on sight.

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My favourite thing about humanity is sex. Have you ever had sex, ytzk? You should try it - it is awesome.

And don't give me any crap about other animals having sex too - theirs is a pale imitation. In the same way that you can't compare a cow munching on grass all day to the consumption of a restaurant meal. That's typical of humanity - we take a mundane biological process and turn it into an art form. I once spent an entire day preparing a six course meal for someone's birthday. I'd like to see a cow try to do THAT.

Also, humour.

Yes, yes I have. Yes, yes it is. But, tigers fuck hundreds of times in just a few days. Wolves fuck for several days. Dolphins fuck for fun as well as reproduction. Cows make a six course meal out of grass and they spend all day doing it too. From their point of view, I'm sure that it's awesome. The fact that humans reveal in their personal gratification does not recommend them to the universe at large.

I concede, however, that my misanthropy has more to do with the sensitivity of my post synaptic membranes to seratonin than objective analysis and that a six course meal, a good belly laugh and a fuckfest is all it would take for me to award 5 stars.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone 7 billion mostly innocent and well-meaning humans. It's only because that, as a human, I can imagine a world where people aren't so selfish , greedy and destructive, that they disappoint me so much.

I watched Jeremy Kyle US just a short while ago, and on it was a woman called Reminisca (probably spelt Reminissszar, Reminisce'aahh or some other such shit) so now I'm leaning towards the one star end of the scale. I suppose talk shows which showcase the scum of the Earth aren't the best things to watch before trying to objectively rate humanity.

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Every fresh corpse brought into that establishment meant a fulfilled promise of ungodly gladness, of irreverent gratification; a return to the rapturous tumult of the arteries which transformed my grisly task into one of beloved devotion - yet every carnal satiation exacted its toll.

If it takes you several days to have sex, you're taking too long.

If you have sex several times in a few days, you're not taking long enough.

Animals suck.

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Well, bonobos maybe.

Sadly, I was hoping someone would say "Was she black?" To which I would reply "Damnit, why does Captain Obvious always miss his cue?" You know you're wasting too much time on this forum when you're anticipating responses.

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Every fresh corpse brought into that establishment meant a fulfilled promise of ungodly gladness, of irreverent gratification; a return to the rapturous tumult of the arteries which transformed my grisly task into one of beloved devotion - yet every carnal satiation exacted its toll.

She was black.

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Here I come to save the daaay.

Due to relatively quick response, this was frankly amazing. Bravo!

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Every fresh corpse brought into that establishment meant a fulfilled promise of ungodly gladness, of irreverent gratification; a return to the rapturous tumult of the arteries which transformed my grisly task into one of beloved devotion - yet every carnal satiation exacted its toll.

yo jojobo that's weird that Captain Obvious always seems to be online around the same time you are.

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Grakelin Holmes to the rescue.

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You got me Grakelin, I'm obviously Captain Obvious!

Honestly as much as I love Johnny from V:tM - B, I would always pick a repugnant hideous Nosferatu if I was going to make such a sock puppet account (C.F. Vendigrothian's pic).

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Every fresh corpse brought into that establishment meant a fulfilled promise of ungodly gladness, of irreverent gratification; a return to the rapturous tumult of the arteries which transformed my grisly task into one of beloved devotion - yet every carnal satiation exacted its toll.