I Promised Teeth, So Here You Go

Words, words, words, words, words. This is gonna be long and fucked up.

1:03: The woman at the shop tells me I don't want to watch this with my boyfriend. Skipping the fact that I'm currently single... OUCH. (This is the woman who let me hire Masters of Horror without blinking. Uh-oh.)

1:21: I've had to remove Bill Bailey from my laptop to watch this movie. I feel dirty already.

1:22: Oooooh. The new anti-piracy ad shows the poster for Wolf Creek on fire. Mwahahaha.

1:23: Battle music over a normal american suburb. What the fuck have I gotten myself into?

1:24: Nuclear power plant in the background. Is this meant to be Springfield?

1:26: The evil little brat got bitten. He's six, he shouldn't be sticking his hand in THERE!

1:27: Huh? This is like my Microscopy class, with all the floaty cells and shit. WTF is goin' on here? Did it... eat the other cells? Buh?

1:28: Ohhhhhh noooooooooooooooo. It's a pro-virginity Christian meeting. My brain hurts. These girls are like twelve. Don't be tellin' kids about sex, even in a 'Promise' meeting.

1:29: Look at all the pretty red rings. Woo fuckin' hoo. 'Keep your gift wrapped.' Cute. Comparing it into a wedding ring. God in heaven, this ain't right.

1:30: Stop talking about masterbation, creepy man. It hurts me.

1:31: This poor boy, he's just hearing the romantic music in the background. He has no idea he's gonna lose his cock later in the movie.

1:32: This girl thinks she's a modern-day Snow Fucking White. Bleck. And look, her poor sick mum thinks she's a saint. I can see where this is goooooing.

1:33: The little abusive asshole has grown up into a big abusive asshole who hides in his step-sister's shower and shoots an airgun at their shared wall. Seriously, I see where this is goooooing.

1:35: Why is there battle music playing in the background while she walks past her abusive classmates?

1:36: Yay for sex ed in America. They covered the vagina but not the penis. With no explanation. 'Natural Modesty' my arse.

1:37: Why would you take this ultra-conservative girl to the movies if you wanna see something remotely interesting? If the only movie you can see is a horrific cartoon meant for the under-tens, what's the goddamn point?

1:38: The abusive asshole doesn't remember where he got the scar from the opening of the film. He was six, not fucking retarded. Oh, and he's getting his sweet innocent girlfriend high. Sheez. Could they be trying any harder to make me hate him?

1:39: I don't care if it is daytime, makeout point is still makeout point. And classy shot of the vagina-tree there, people. Cute. And a cave too? Oh my word! How well you treat us!

1:40: 'I have a perfectly good pussy'. Suddenly I'm thinking abusive brother's dumb-ass girlfriend deserves everything she gets. Sheesh. If you don't like the sex, find a guy who can fuck properly. It's not rocket science!!

1:41: His dog is as much of a fucked-up idiot as the owner. Oh look, he's force-feeding the girlfriend a dog biscuit. This is so not sexy. I can feel my sex drive shrivelling up already.

1:42: She's never even been touched, and always knew she was meant to wait until marriage. And the boy's a virgin... in 'His' eyes. Oh, fuck you Christianity, fuck-you Born-Again Virgin.

1:43: Awww, she's visibily disappointed that her love interest has had sex before. Isn't that soooo kyuuuuuuuute? *gags*

1:45: Her parents fell asleep watching a horror movie with a distinctly phallic monster. This movie isn't even trying to be subtle any more, is it?

1:46: *singing* Full moon rising... oh? What's this? She's acting like a real human being and actually touching herself?

1:47: Her fantasy is her wedding day to the boy she met two days ago. Oh yes, this is so subtle. And he is really friggin' ugly nekkid, too.

1:48: Oh wow, her fantasy is getting deflowered in her wedding dress. And... yay! Flash back to the horror movie! No more touchy-touchy for you!

1:49: Evolution. Thank god, something I understand. Don't put your Creationism BULLSHIT in my sane scene.

1:50: Look, she's ignoring the boy and getting told off by her teacher for skipping class.

1:50 cont: Gym teacher is a pervert. As usual. Dumping him over the phone in the locker room? Oh, this ain't right on any level. If you're 'so in sync' then why not just admit you want each other?

1:51: Abusive step-brother is beating up on his girlfriend and being a cunt. Dawn's trying to be all brave and mature, and she's gone to COMPLETELY the wrong person for a serious talk. He wants to raaaaape you, girl.

1:52: 'Abstinance bullshit'. Finally he says something I agree with. He's still an asshole, though.

1:53: I need to see you. ZOOOOOM! Speeding! She brought her bathing suit and he brought a boner.

1:54: A snapping turtle? Oh, come on.

1:54 cont: That is the ugliest bathing suit I've seen since the 1920s. Awkward talk, it hurts my mind. Hello, obvious boner!

1:55: Swimming towards the not-remotely-subtle cave and making out. FINALLY, something remotely interesting.

1:56: He's groping your boobs. 'Purity' is not gonna stop him now. Don't swim into the sex cave you fucking fool!

1:57: Why are you both egging him on and telling him off? It's girls like you who give the rest of us a bad name, you goddamn tease.

1:58: Wow, this really is the sex cave. There's a mattress and a sleeping bag in there. More making out. Damnit, girl, if you don't want to get fucked then GET OUT OF THERE. Sheez.

1:59: He knocked her senseless... so he's gonna keep going, even though she said no. Dude, you deserve what's about to happen to you.

2:01: HOLY FUCK I DID NOT NEED TO SEE THAT. Full-on uncensored realistic mutilated genitalia. Wow, this is not a subtle film at all. At least she's reacting realistically to what happened to her.

2:03: Gospel music and Dawn staggering home on her bike. She looks shell-shocked. I share the feeling. GOD.

2:04: You're not gonna do a Psycho on us? Come on, you gave us a pretty lady in the shower, now you have to kill her. That's how it works.

2:05: She's freaking out and ripping her bridal stuff off the wall. Her stepbrother is in the next room listening, convinced that she's fucking someone. Ass.

2:06: They want her to speak at one of these promise things again. This is going to get weird. She looks like she's gonna cry. Poor girl, I'm starting to feel sorry for her now.

2:07: Public speaking when getting over a rape, hearing bible verses quoted at you. Holy shit, this is like one of my childhood nightmares come to life.

2:08: Teacher, you don't have a fucking clue. Oh look, one of the guys who bet he could fuck Dawn turned up. And she asked him for a ride home. You idiot, girl! Still, at least he's being relatively nice and friendly about asking her out. That's more than she's gotten out of any other man in this movie so far.

2:10: Asshole stepbrother threatens highschool boy and punches him out because OH GOD he's actually concerned about Dawn!

2:11: She went BACK to the sex cave and found a crab eating the boy's severed cock. I'm not sure if I love or hate this film.

2:12: She's taking the promise ring off. And dropping it off a CLIFF. Boy, when she abandons her values she doesn't fuck around.

2:13: She's now trying to soak the concealing sticker off the picture of the vagina from her book. Her expression when it comes off is PRICELESS. Ooooh, sparkly revelation music in the background. And... she's smiling!

2:14: Googling 'adaption', 'mutation', 'female genitalia mutation'. Well, not Google, but you get the idea. Battle music again. Vagina Dentata at your public library! XD I wish! I love the twisted picture of the VD statue.

2:15: 'A primitive masculine dread of the mysteries of women and sexual union.' Hah! Ultra-weird feminist film.

2:16: She's gone to the gynacologist and is calling her crotch a 'Dark Crucible'. And the doctor is a pervert. Rapeface! This should be good.

2:17: 'I'm not gonna bite ya.' You're not, but she is.

2:19: Despite the rapeface, he's being strangely kind and understanding. Oh, love the flexi-light and the greasy noises.

2:20: Oh my god! He's forcing an entire gloved fist into her. No wonder she's whimpering.

2:21: These sound effects are waaaaaaaaay to realistic. Hearing him shout 'It's true! Vagina dentata, vagina dentata!' really isn't helping.

2:22: The cops went by and she freaked out. The boy she de-manned has disappeared and the cops are searching for him. Blood loss killed him, I reckon. Yup, found him in the makeout point river.

2:23: Her mom's dead (or dying) too, while her step-brother is arse-fucking his girlfriend to heavy metal. This movie long since abandoned subtlely. Assuming there was any to begin with. Which there wasn't.

2:24: Her mom's in hospital and her step-brother is beating up on his girlfriend again. She's running away to the boy with the bet. Talk about the wrong shoulder to cry on.

2:25: She's claiming that she killed the boy who raped her and has to turn herself in to the cops. It's his own fault he raped her and got his cock bitten off. And now she's freaking out about Vagina Dentata legends. With tribal music in the background.

2:26: Up to her lips in a bubble bath. And he's giving her rufies. I suddenly understand where the cover image for the Australian edition of this movie comes from.

2:27: Oh goodie, a romantic drugging rapist. Lovely. And she is SO stoned.

2:28: Of course he's giving her booze. No sleazey rape scene is complete without it. Her stoned face is sooooo funny. And apparently champagne and candles is her idea of the idea place for one's first not-really-consensual sexual encounter. She's passed out....

2:29: And she's come back to a vibrator and some serious foreplay. Loooooong happy sound and the first genuine smile from her I've seen so far.

2:30: 'I'm the hero.' Like HELL, boy.

2:31: HOLY FUCK. They pulled a shark/eel/human tooth out of dead rapist boy's severed cock. And then they cut back to orgasms. He makes a sound like a yappy dog when he comes. Good to know.

2:32: Post-sex giggles. Battle music again. Cut to the surgury on the bloke who had his hand bitten off. WHY IS HE CONSCIOUS! He should be under a general anasthe... there he goes.

2:33: She's examining her own body. She's actually quite pretty now she's not all uptight anymore. Boy's using the vibrator and... they're at it again. 'Hero' my ass.

2:34: Don't answer your phone while having sex, you pig! And oh god... he's admitting to the bet while scrumping her. Say bye-bye to yer cock, boy!

2:35: There's the noise and the kicked-puppy sound. 'Oh shit.' I think I love this... OH GOD WHY DO YOU KEEP SHOWING US MUTILATED GROINS! Guh! (Although I will admit, her 'some hero' comment was funny. Just... so poorly timed.)

2:37: She's gone to see her mom. Why are they making her wait? What happened?

2:38: Yeah, like the stepson is gonna care that her mom is dead. His girlfriend covers her head so the dad can throw the son out of home in privacy.

2:39: Cuts to the doctors reattaching the penis. Not very funny size joke. Will to live is draining away. Stepson makes foolish move of attacking dad, who clobbers him one (JOY!). Uh oh, releasing the psycho dog. I think the dog killed the dad.

2:40: Dawn's crying for her mom. I'd feel sorry for her if this movie hadn't numbed my ability to give a shit. Oh look, dad's still alive, begging for mercy. Stepson makes horrid comments about how the dad should have stayed single so he could fuck Dawn. This is one FUCKED UP family.

2:41: Mercy. Kinda. Poor doggy, no wonder it's psychotic. Dad's in hospital, girlfriend of cunt brought him. Dad has a fuckload of stitches in his neck. Stepbrother's fault mom died (no shit). Girlfriend trying to apologise for him. Don't bother.

2:43: Battle music again. What. The. FUCK. She's making herself hot with battle music in the background. What have I gotten myself into?

2:44: Stepbrother watching horror movie. Nicely prophetic, again. I wish. Dawn in a neglige slinks into his room and steals his cigarette. Dawn gets inspiration from the movie Medusa scaring some poor nerd. Trying to be sexy, fooling him but not coming remotely close to fooling me.

2:45: Apparently Dawn has achieved the mystical power of the Instant Hard On. Dog is strangely interested. 'Too fucking weird' is right. He tries to take her from behind and she won't let him.

2:46: Losing the will to live. Please sever his cock and move on so I can watch Sweeny Todd and cleanse my brain of this. Please.

2:47: Dog's escaping. Stepbrother finally remembers where he got the scar on his finger. Too fucking late! She looks strangely aroused at the fact that she's gotten control and is ripping him apart.

2:48: I did not need to know he had a Prince Albert.

2:49: The dog is eating his cock! His cries of agony and sorrow are making me laugh. I have been mind-raped by this fuckery.

2:50: Still wearing the negligee, Dawn rides away from Springfield with a backpack full of stuff. Tire breaks. Hitching a lift. Gets in old car.

2:51: Wakes up at a gas station with a disgusting old pervert making rape-face. Door is locked. Annoyed. Sudden expression of vengeful womanly power. Inspiring music. Credits.

2:52: Oh my god. The end music is a techno remix of 'Who put the bomp in the bomp-shi-bomp-shi-bomp, who put the ram in the ramma-lamma-ding-dong'. My life is pain.

There. I've shared the pain. My sex drive is feeling distinctly diminished. I am nauseous and my brain feels like it's been fried. I suddenly understand how Jared feels. The pain...

 

Enough to make me avoid this movie. Thank you.

 

What the hell is this?

 

Xiao's running review of "Teeth".
The Vagina Dentata movie.

 

Ah, I was thinking "teeth" as more of a descriptive noun, not so much a proper one.

Anyway, TLR. The reason MST3K was interesting was because you had the video along with the audio.

However, I applaud the effort of shining a scrutinizing light on bad movies. Check out http://www.razzies.com/

 

This alone would have deterred me from the film. Nothing is sacred.

 

Especially not that song, Minuos. Atleast now if I was ever tempted I have an excuse not to go there. Just reading that has likely ruined my week, as a pick-me-up try "renting" ice queen and treating it as a comedy instead of a shit, cheap horror flick.

 

Teeth hurt me so badly that I'm now watching Sweeny Todd to calm my nerves and revive my faith in good entertainment.

Violence, good music, performed by people who can actually sing and act, Johnny Depp, and a surprisingly compelling plot. My brain is rebooting itself as we speak.

 

Speaking of the Depp, who's looking forward to the new Alice flick?

 

Woah, Alice flick? Didn't his Public Enemies thing just come out? I'll have to look that up. Remember: Alice in Wonderland is no exception to rule 34. Don't ask me how I know that, just while we're talking about Alice and bad films... :throwup:

Sweeny Todd is probably a good movie, I couldn't hear a fucking thing because someone kept (badly) singing all the songs before subsequently 'turning emo'. Poor kid, I think he actually got upset when I told him to piss off.

 

Sweeny Todd was a thing of great beauty. In one day I have seen the absolute WORST FILM I SHALL EVER see and one of the best films I will likely ever see. I am SO conflicted right now.

I've also gotten a few tracks of the 1978 musical version of War of the Worlds. Parson Nathaniel (Spirit of Man) may be one of the best things I've ever heard. Today has been a day of strangeness.

I was supposed to study for Chem today. Ah, fuck it. This shit be simple.

Tomorrow, Planet Terror!

 

Jesus Goddamn Hell, here I was getting ready to start a sose assignment for Chem at 12 that was due around a month ago and yet I think I'm about to collapse again for no good reason. Fucking Chem.

If you want to experience one of the other worst movies of all time, try the new War of the Worlds. Terrible crap, really.

 

I didn't think War of the Worlds was too bad, but perhaps it's just that I enjoy watching people go pop. It could also be that I was drugged up when I watched it. A truly terrible film would be the remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still. That film left me wondering why it was made, then I remembered the golden word -- that being money.

For the sake of miscellanea, Sweeney Todd exceeded my expectations. Then again, so did Blades of Glory.

 

There are all sorts of bad movies out there. Just look for anything by Asylum. Its a company known for really bad low budget horror films and b-movie knock offs of popular films (such as their Transmorphers series).

Or, better yet, go watch Passed the Door of Darkness. Despite having a grammatically incorrect name, the synopsis on the back of the DVD had the opening paragraph printed twice. The film was so low budget they couldn't even fix a typo. >.< I work at a dvd rental store and my coworkers and I roll a die to see who will watch the shitty films... I rolled low the week that came out. I felt my brain bleeding while watching the film.

 

Agreed on the Day the Earth Stood Still. Sat there watching it on a crappy, small tv thinking 'wtf' the whole time... I was even sober!

Still standing by this as worst movie I've seen, though

 

After Xiao's review, I might feel encouraged to actually watch the film one day. It's so bad that it may be good, in a way.

 

On the subject of worst movies, mine stands as Eden Lake. As far as production and such go, it's good, but the subject matter, story, and so on is pathetic. British piece of crap that went down with bad reviews practically everywhere it was released.

Never before have I told a film to fuck off so many times.

 

No. NO! Don't be fooled! This movie will worm its way into your brain and destroy your sex drive and you won't be able to look away! Don't do it! *cries*

 

Don't listen to that mad women. Teeth is a great movie. And it teaches a valuable lesson; raping/molesting women isn't right. So not only is it a wonderful piece of cinema, but educational too.

 

*makes the sign of the cross at Fish*

You must be a servant of the Devil! Only a child of pure EVIL would advocate this film as anything other than pure HIGH-OCTANE NIGHTMARE FUEL!